the darkness

today i'm wearing a huge knit poncho thing that's probably just an afghan with a hole in it. regardless, it's warm, and my office is not. i'm quite content - it feels like i never got out of bed this morning. small problem, however - i'm a devout sitter.

you see, i have a toilet in the office bathroom that i'm pretty sure is mine exclusively. (remember pop up videos? how about the episode that features jewel in the bathroom? jewel and vh1 taught me that the first toilet stall is the LEAST used, thus it has become my favorite. without getting into specifics, i've devised experiments to determine my ownership of this toilet, and it is unquestionably mine and mine alone on MOST days.) as i am the only regular user of this toilet, i like to sit on it. none of this squatting bullshit - if i want to squat, i'll go to the gym. when i have two minutes to myself in the bathroom, it's like a zen moment to collect my thoughts and cease the swirl of bad energy created by unrelentingly cranky media folk.

sounds nice, right? so i stumble in slowly around 7 this morning, coffee having not yet kicked in, and i realize that i am very nearly about to dip my poncho fringe into the holy waters. oh hell no. thus, i do what any rational human being would do - i flip the back of my poncho over my head and settle in. the overall effect of being encased in a tunnel of black alpaca is similar to the feeling of waking up with a VERY full bladder in the middle of the night - turning the bathroom light on would push you to TRUE wakefulness, and no one wants that, so you manage in the darkness and wander back to bed. it's just a pause in the program.

so now here i am, the first one in the office bathroom, a pile of black sweater sitting on my private toilet, listening to the arcade fire on my ipod, and pondering the rest of my day. the stall door opens, and a woman from the neighboring ad agency screams (who else starts their workday at 6:45?). i fall on the floor, entangled in sweater mass, pantless, and thrash, whacking my grey matter on the tile.

somehow i can't find the motivation to continue this day. someday i will blog about something important. my toilet is no longer my own, and i hate my sweater. that is all.